But I don't have any paid writing lined up right now, and I have a lot of words in me that I need to let out, so this is a place for doing that (If you know people looking for sports or entertainment writers, let me know! My email is chrisdgibb94@gmail.com). This place will include any writing about things I deem interesting at the time, which will primarily be music and sports, but sometimes movies, television, video games, pro wrestling or personal stuff.
I have an unhealthy interest in both the Billboard pop charts and arbitrarily ranking things, so this column is my way of combining both of those loves. Throughout the year, I'll be checking in with the Billboard Hot 100 and Billboard 200 every month. I will rank each individual song that cracks the top 20 on the Hot 100 in a given month, as well as each album that cracks the top 2 albums on the Billboard 200.
Obviously there will be overlap month-to-month. I probably won't go in-depth for most songs/albums that repeat, but I will touch base on them as my opinions on something will probably shift at least slightly from month-to-month, whether that's coming around to a song that I deemed bad initially, my hatred growing for something I loathe, or my interest in a song completely waning.
For what constitutes "January," I'll be going by the date of the chart. So because the top songs of January 26-31 will be included on the "Week of February 1, 2020" chart, they will be covered next month.
Also, the first week of January includes a ton of Christmas songs in the top 20 and Michael Buble's Christmas album as No. 2 of that week. I have decided not to include them, because nobody wants Christmas music takes in late January. Another note is that I only used the versions of the songs that are credited as the hit on Billboard itself, even if remixes may have played a part in getting songs to that position. For example, the "Old Town Road" remix featuring Billy Ray Cyrus was what counted on this list, but the remixes of "Trampoline" and "Highest in the Room" didn't count.
That's enough introduction. Here are the 26 songs that made the top 20 of the Billboard 100 in January, ranked:
26. Justin Bieber - "Yummy" (Peak Position: #2)
Justin Bieber is such an easy target for pop music hatred, and it's boring at this point. A lot of it still stems from Bieber starting his career with a strong fanbase of teenage girls, and we as a society tend to have very strong backlash against things that teen girls like.
Honestly, early Bieber has some solid stuff. I'd be lying if I said my pretentious, Pitchfork-reading high school self didn't sing along with "Baby" during school dances, and that I didn't memorize Ludacris' guest verse. He's got plenty of hits as his career's gone on that I enjoy: "Boyfriend," "Where Are U Now," "What Do You Mean?," etc.
But I think Bieber's oversaturated himself a bit at this point. His last two major hits, "I Don't Care" with Ed Sheeran and "10,000 Hours" with Dan + Shay (which we'll get to soon) aren't so much offensively bad as they are straight up boring. When you're maybe the biggest male pop star in the world, boring is the worst thing you can be.
However, "Yummy" is the worst of both worlds. It's offensively bad and boring. The chorus of "Yeah you got that yummy-yum, that yummy-yum, that yummy-yummy" is the most mind-numbingly stupid pop hook in years. For a song likely written about his wife (Justin Bieber wants you to know that he and wife Hailey Baldwin totally do it, by the way), it's got almost no soul to it. The song is incredibly heatless. It's entirely forgettable until that wretched chorus hits, and then it makes you want to change the channel.
Bieber's going on a decade of being one of the top pop stars in the world. He's been a constant chart presence even though he hasn't released a full album in five years. This is the lead single for a new album, and it lands with a complete thud. It debuted at No. 2 on the charts, but it's already sliding down the charts in a way big Bieber singles don't tend to do. His other lead singles? "One Time," "Baby," "Mistletoe," "Boyfriend," "Heartbreaker," and "Where Are U Now." With the exception of "Heartbreaker," those are all major hits that have defined his career. This is nothing. This is worse than nothing; it's embarrassing.
25. Tones and I - "Dance Monkey" (Peak Position: #7)
If not for Justin Bieber's monstrosity, this would easily rank last on this list. There's a good chance it ranks last on next month's list. It's one of those songs that triggers an uncontrollable loathing in my heart whenever I hear it. "Dance Monkey" is catchy in the worst ways. It makes you want to bang your head against the wall.
But worse than the annoyingly catchy hook, it's Tones and I's vocal performance that makes me hate it. I'm a fan of plenty of vocalists you might describe as "divisive": Tom Waits, Joanna Newsom, a countless number of punk/emo vocalists or "indie girl" vocalists. Sometimes I hear a song where the vocalist just seems to overdo it to the point of hatred. Adam Levine (owner of the worst singing voice in the world) is my greatest example of this. It tends to come across with artists who are almost over-the-top performative in "look how soulful my voice is" as well. Whereas the vocal power of a Beyonce or Ariana Grande come across as natural, stuff like this grates on me. I don't know if that's what Toni Watson's going for, but it's how I register it.
Everything about her inflections and repetitions of phrases bothers me. I actually quite like the beat during the chorus that Watson and producer Konstantin Kersting lay down, but I can't down with anything else here. The idea of the song is interesting enough as well, somebody who was busking in Australia just a year ago going big with a song about feeling like a carnival act when she performs.
I just can't get through it.
